Things Not To Do or Say In Bed
To a few men I know
"Here today, but gone tomorrow"
Dont help tae make her feel needed
and "Enjoy while yae can," kills the mood
"Hurry up," she then just pleaded
"Yaer a wee bit tense, will ah get some oil"
Turns her intae a dried up toad
If yae mention K.Y, yae'll get a poke in the eye
It's no some kinky wee code
Wae her legs roon yaer neck, wearin high heel boots
Yae'r in a precarious position
So be carefull noo, remember her name
Or yaer mooth she'll no be missin
Now here's a wee tip, when yae kiss her neck
Don't say how yae dream aboot stranglin
An when yae hold her tight, all through the night
Move her heid when yaer engines danglin
An for God's sake please, memories past
should stay in yaer grey matter box
She disnae want, tae puff an pant
Like the red haired fiery fox
Neither tae, does she need tae play
at wantin a bitch in sussies
She don't need tae hear, "Slap me dear"
then delightfully moan when he cussies
Red lipstick's fine, an the basque is great
When it's on her trim little hips
Yaer hairy legs , are jist a mess
An know this yae aint got tits
As a new day breaks, don't join in the fun
and let yaer wind blow free
An as she opens her eyes, don't look so surprised
To find oot it's only me.
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